arcade fire and the meltdown

so last night i had the supreme honor of being entertained by arcade fire.  what a team of versatile and energetic musicians! some of the members exchanged instruments up to 4 times! aside from the musical talent, they also displayed quite an amazing media show of lights, real time footage being manipulated on site, and bubbles (my personal favorite as i forgot my glasses and actually thought it was snowing backwards inside the stadium for a while...yes, my imagination can get that out of control).

the show was so good, it actually had me mildly entertained as i balled my eyes out throughout the show.  i am finding myself in quite a predicament these days, and it has me feeling as though i am at a cross roads that will define the rest of my life...however...i am no longer young and eager enough to make such life altering decisions.

...a little background info...

i have been a student for the last four and a half years in a university program that will be ending in december.  i am terrified of what comes next.   

before this university stint, i traveled across canada, even lived in india for a while.  for 4 years i traveled, never staying anywhere for longer than 6 months.  a boy brought me to this town.  university kept me in this town. and now, another boy who means the world (and more) to me, who has stolen my heart and soul, is likely to have me choosing my fate based on him being in this town.  we have been together for nearly 3 years (minus the 3 months this spring we broke up for).  before being this attached to boys, i traveled footloose and fancy free wherever i pleased.  and now as i get older, and am rapidly approaching 30,  i hear that god-awful biological clock ticking in my ear with every breath i take.

i am 4 months away from being a graduate, who is supposedly destined for a highly distinguished career, should be able to have my pick of where to work, and have also secured funding for a masters just in case the job horizons don't pan out to be delightful...i should be thrilled, right? only someone who is unappreciative and unable to sense gratitude wouldn't be thrilled, right? right?

i was recently pregnant and aborted the baby.  this is what brought my partner and i back together.  ever since, all i have wanted to do is have his children, and be a mother.  being the highly ambitious person that i can be, it is very difficult to want nothing more than the one thing i can't provide to myself, by myself; a loving family.  it takes more than me, and it takes a lot of love and understanding.  unfortunately for me, my partner is unsure of what he wants, and unsure if he wants any future with me.  that being said, he treats my like gold, and loves me to pieces.  his career is just starting to take off, and he is a little apprehensive that things will not pan out with us.  we both are.

the job prospects for me in this town are grim, and highly under-paid.  there are jobs up north, to the east, and to the west where i could make up to twice the amount as if i stayed, but that would involve leaving the boy.  he has job prospects, here and to the south, and he may have to follow them as they are his only ticket into the industry he has been desperately trying to break into for the last 7 years.  he loves it, it makes him proud, and happy, and makes him feel like a man.  my field doesn't activate me like that, no jobs in my area do, but the money i could make to provide myself with a home and income that could help me build a family; that activates me.

activated by the one thing i want; a loving family with the only man i would ever want to father my children. terrified that if i stay here for him and work twice as hard to make that money that i will end up tired and alone.   

...fast track to arcade fire show ....

i have been stewing over this for weeks now (pretty much since the semester started in september).  last night at the show with him and one of his friends, i let it get the best of me.  in defense of my meltdown-insanity, i clocked over 30 hours of work this week on top of my 6 university classes and homework - i was a little worn and overtired.  the two of them had tickets together, and i purchased a ticket at the box office and sat behind them.  after the show had started, and no one had filled the seats around me, i asked him to come join me in my row.  he said no as he wanted to stand, and the people behind my row were sitting (he's 6' 4'').  although i completely understood his perspective, i allowed this moment to define the essence of my fear; that he wouldn't join me.  i held strongly the smile and sense of awe from the concert on my face as the tears ran down my cheeks.

eventually, they joined me, but as he sat next to me, the tears and weight on my chest grew stronger, and i struggled to win the fight over my body.  i had to go to the washroom to let it all out, and at this point, the fear-psychosis meltdown had consumed me.  i wanted to hop on a plane to the furthest point on the planet away from him, where i could forget that he had ever been in my life, and i would forsake love forever.  where i could travel and work, and never meet my children.  where i could sleep for days until my senses came back to me, and i was no longer consumed by the fear of his love leaving me.  i have been deserted by both of my parents on numerous occasions, and i allow these moments to dictate how i act towards love in my life today.  my heart goes out to my boyfriend who struggles with me in my fears, and who gets the worst of me as such.

there is a rather impressive breakthrough that happened last night; i didn't make it about him.  as soon as the show was over i went home to bed, slept it off, then touched base with him in the morning.  normally i would demand his attention, and make it seem like it was him that was making me feel the way i did. but its not him. its me.  its me and my fear.

moral of the story: deal with your own shit and problems.  your loved ones will be there to back you up and see you through the storm, but you don't need to get them wet along the way.

next steps: finish school. see more live music.  take it from there.