its thanksgiving! i've been entertained and welcomed by 2 wonderful families this year as i couldn't be home with my own family. it was wonderful to have them welcome their homes to me (and to have them stuff me to the brim two days in a row...mmmm yum yum).
i miss my family today, and am looking forward to the day that i can have them all together again. i am a little sad that my family doesn't come together accept for when i go home, so they all do their own thing until i come home. i'm sad in my heart that my mother and grandmother can't get along, and how they are both ruthlessly selfish about the whole thing. This means my grandpa spends a lot of time alone (or without his loved ones around, when he has done nothing but love everyone).
i am also feeling disheartened that my best-friend's boyfriend is going through an especially tough time as his mother struggles through the last weeks of her life with cancer. my heart goes out to him and his family and i hope they find peace in their life struggles through this difficult time.
all together, seeing the good brought out in my urban families, watching the ridiculousness of my own family's bullshit, then seeing a family loose their headmaster; this thanksgiving is really making me evaluate what i have to be thankful for. Great friends, a loving boyfriend, and a family who loves me dearly (even though they don't care for each other all that much). I am also thankful that my university days will be coming to an end in december, and that i am going to have to fully come to terms with my inner control-freak as i have no clue what my next step in life will be (although i pray it will be a step closer to making a family of my own).
so to anyone who hasn't taken stock of what they have been offered in their lives, take some time to reflect on your loved ones, and lessons learned. it never hurts, and it will likely open your heart.
happy thanksgiving,
xo
t
Monday, October 11, 2010
Sunday, September 26, 2010
arcade fire and the meltdown
so last night i had the supreme honor of being entertained by arcade fire. what a team of versatile and energetic musicians! some of the members exchanged instruments up to 4 times! aside from the musical talent, they also displayed quite an amazing media show of lights, real time footage being manipulated on site, and bubbles (my personal favorite as i forgot my glasses and actually thought it was snowing backwards inside the stadium for a while...yes, my imagination can get that out of control).
the show was so good, it actually had me mildly entertained as i balled my eyes out throughout the show. i am finding myself in quite a predicament these days, and it has me feeling as though i am at a cross roads that will define the rest of my life...however...i am no longer young and eager enough to make such life altering decisions.
...a little background info...
i have been a student for the last four and a half years in a university program that will be ending in december. i am terrified of what comes next.
before this university stint, i traveled across canada, even lived in india for a while. for 4 years i traveled, never staying anywhere for longer than 6 months. a boy brought me to this town. university kept me in this town. and now, another boy who means the world (and more) to me, who has stolen my heart and soul, is likely to have me choosing my fate based on him being in this town. we have been together for nearly 3 years (minus the 3 months this spring we broke up for). before being this attached to boys, i traveled footloose and fancy free wherever i pleased. and now as i get older, and am rapidly approaching 30, i hear that god-awful biological clock ticking in my ear with every breath i take.
i am 4 months away from being a graduate, who is supposedly destined for a highly distinguished career, should be able to have my pick of where to work, and have also secured funding for a masters just in case the job horizons don't pan out to be delightful...i should be thrilled, right? only someone who is unappreciative and unable to sense gratitude wouldn't be thrilled, right? right?
i was recently pregnant and aborted the baby. this is what brought my partner and i back together. ever since, all i have wanted to do is have his children, and be a mother. being the highly ambitious person that i can be, it is very difficult to want nothing more than the one thing i can't provide to myself, by myself; a loving family. it takes more than me, and it takes a lot of love and understanding. unfortunately for me, my partner is unsure of what he wants, and unsure if he wants any future with me. that being said, he treats my like gold, and loves me to pieces. his career is just starting to take off, and he is a little apprehensive that things will not pan out with us. we both are.
the job prospects for me in this town are grim, and highly under-paid. there are jobs up north, to the east, and to the west where i could make up to twice the amount as if i stayed, but that would involve leaving the boy. he has job prospects, here and to the south, and he may have to follow them as they are his only ticket into the industry he has been desperately trying to break into for the last 7 years. he loves it, it makes him proud, and happy, and makes him feel like a man. my field doesn't activate me like that, no jobs in my area do, but the money i could make to provide myself with a home and income that could help me build a family; that activates me.
activated by the one thing i want; a loving family with the only man i would ever want to father my children. terrified that if i stay here for him and work twice as hard to make that money that i will end up tired and alone.
...fast track to arcade fire show ....
i have been stewing over this for weeks now (pretty much since the semester started in september). last night at the show with him and one of his friends, i let it get the best of me. in defense of my meltdown-insanity, i clocked over 30 hours of work this week on top of my 6 university classes and homework - i was a little worn and overtired. the two of them had tickets together, and i purchased a ticket at the box office and sat behind them. after the show had started, and no one had filled the seats around me, i asked him to come join me in my row. he said no as he wanted to stand, and the people behind my row were sitting (he's 6' 4''). although i completely understood his perspective, i allowed this moment to define the essence of my fear; that he wouldn't join me. i held strongly the smile and sense of awe from the concert on my face as the tears ran down my cheeks.
eventually, they joined me, but as he sat next to me, the tears and weight on my chest grew stronger, and i struggled to win the fight over my body. i had to go to the washroom to let it all out, and at this point, the fear-psychosis meltdown had consumed me. i wanted to hop on a plane to the furthest point on the planet away from him, where i could forget that he had ever been in my life, and i would forsake love forever. where i could travel and work, and never meet my children. where i could sleep for days until my senses came back to me, and i was no longer consumed by the fear of his love leaving me. i have been deserted by both of my parents on numerous occasions, and i allow these moments to dictate how i act towards love in my life today. my heart goes out to my boyfriend who struggles with me in my fears, and who gets the worst of me as such.
there is a rather impressive breakthrough that happened last night; i didn't make it about him. as soon as the show was over i went home to bed, slept it off, then touched base with him in the morning. normally i would demand his attention, and make it seem like it was him that was making me feel the way i did. but its not him. its me. its me and my fear.
moral of the story: deal with your own shit and problems. your loved ones will be there to back you up and see you through the storm, but you don't need to get them wet along the way.
next steps: finish school. see more live music. take it from there.
the show was so good, it actually had me mildly entertained as i balled my eyes out throughout the show. i am finding myself in quite a predicament these days, and it has me feeling as though i am at a cross roads that will define the rest of my life...however...i am no longer young and eager enough to make such life altering decisions.
...a little background info...
i have been a student for the last four and a half years in a university program that will be ending in december. i am terrified of what comes next.
before this university stint, i traveled across canada, even lived in india for a while. for 4 years i traveled, never staying anywhere for longer than 6 months. a boy brought me to this town. university kept me in this town. and now, another boy who means the world (and more) to me, who has stolen my heart and soul, is likely to have me choosing my fate based on him being in this town. we have been together for nearly 3 years (minus the 3 months this spring we broke up for). before being this attached to boys, i traveled footloose and fancy free wherever i pleased. and now as i get older, and am rapidly approaching 30, i hear that god-awful biological clock ticking in my ear with every breath i take.
i am 4 months away from being a graduate, who is supposedly destined for a highly distinguished career, should be able to have my pick of where to work, and have also secured funding for a masters just in case the job horizons don't pan out to be delightful...i should be thrilled, right? only someone who is unappreciative and unable to sense gratitude wouldn't be thrilled, right? right?
i was recently pregnant and aborted the baby. this is what brought my partner and i back together. ever since, all i have wanted to do is have his children, and be a mother. being the highly ambitious person that i can be, it is very difficult to want nothing more than the one thing i can't provide to myself, by myself; a loving family. it takes more than me, and it takes a lot of love and understanding. unfortunately for me, my partner is unsure of what he wants, and unsure if he wants any future with me. that being said, he treats my like gold, and loves me to pieces. his career is just starting to take off, and he is a little apprehensive that things will not pan out with us. we both are.
the job prospects for me in this town are grim, and highly under-paid. there are jobs up north, to the east, and to the west where i could make up to twice the amount as if i stayed, but that would involve leaving the boy. he has job prospects, here and to the south, and he may have to follow them as they are his only ticket into the industry he has been desperately trying to break into for the last 7 years. he loves it, it makes him proud, and happy, and makes him feel like a man. my field doesn't activate me like that, no jobs in my area do, but the money i could make to provide myself with a home and income that could help me build a family; that activates me.
activated by the one thing i want; a loving family with the only man i would ever want to father my children. terrified that if i stay here for him and work twice as hard to make that money that i will end up tired and alone.
...fast track to arcade fire show ....
i have been stewing over this for weeks now (pretty much since the semester started in september). last night at the show with him and one of his friends, i let it get the best of me. in defense of my meltdown-insanity, i clocked over 30 hours of work this week on top of my 6 university classes and homework - i was a little worn and overtired. the two of them had tickets together, and i purchased a ticket at the box office and sat behind them. after the show had started, and no one had filled the seats around me, i asked him to come join me in my row. he said no as he wanted to stand, and the people behind my row were sitting (he's 6' 4''). although i completely understood his perspective, i allowed this moment to define the essence of my fear; that he wouldn't join me. i held strongly the smile and sense of awe from the concert on my face as the tears ran down my cheeks.
eventually, they joined me, but as he sat next to me, the tears and weight on my chest grew stronger, and i struggled to win the fight over my body. i had to go to the washroom to let it all out, and at this point, the fear-psychosis meltdown had consumed me. i wanted to hop on a plane to the furthest point on the planet away from him, where i could forget that he had ever been in my life, and i would forsake love forever. where i could travel and work, and never meet my children. where i could sleep for days until my senses came back to me, and i was no longer consumed by the fear of his love leaving me. i have been deserted by both of my parents on numerous occasions, and i allow these moments to dictate how i act towards love in my life today. my heart goes out to my boyfriend who struggles with me in my fears, and who gets the worst of me as such.
there is a rather impressive breakthrough that happened last night; i didn't make it about him. as soon as the show was over i went home to bed, slept it off, then touched base with him in the morning. normally i would demand his attention, and make it seem like it was him that was making me feel the way i did. but its not him. its me. its me and my fear.
moral of the story: deal with your own shit and problems. your loved ones will be there to back you up and see you through the storm, but you don't need to get them wet along the way.
next steps: finish school. see more live music. take it from there.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
sarah harmer
last night i had the supreme pleasure of being entertained by miss sarah harmer in an intimate setting with a barely half-filled venue. i had been waiting for that moment for over ten years! i allowed myself to fully indulge in the groupie excitement, and as it turns out, she has the ability to affect others in that demeanor-altering fan-crazed way.
i was sitting in my "lady friend"'s office (aka my counselor, but my ego has still not accustomed itself to allow me to speak those words - this was noted once, and only once, for clarity purposes), and she asked me what a strong woman was to me. my response led her to believe that i only see heavier or homely women as strong in character and person, as they reject and are not preoccupied with the trends of appearances. this was partially true, however it occurred to me last night that sarah harmer was the ultimate embodiment of a strong woman to me, and there is one aspect of her that makes me feel so connected to this belief; she is not afraid of her dark sides and her moods. she embraces them - herself - and she turns them into music for the masses. she is not afraid to show it, or be heard. she is dark and stormy, but accepts it, and can laugh at it...as though there is nothing that needs to change. and there isn't anything that NEEDS to change. no pressing issue nagging her to be a better person. no childhood-fear and lack of parental-love guilt looming over saying "you're not good enough. change now!". (i guess that's a glimpse into my own head...) she smiles and nods, makes jokes at the lack of hope in her music, and graciously strums away on my hearts strings.
i wholeheartedly agree with sarah and can relate to her that my mind is also "filled with sour grapes". i don't mean it to affect those around me all so much, and it has fueled me to do some fairly substantial living and out-crying. when my moods and air about me are giving and loving and stem from a place of loving for those around me - i do love myself. however, when my aura shifts to what i call "the dark side", it can seem like there is no good in the world, and i have no love for myself, and therefore don't believe that anyone could possibly care for me (apparently this is some sort of self-worth complex that needs to be resolved - hence my "lady friend"). i have learned to do good with this force, and have used it to do good things for the betterment of human kind, and have striven for the preservation of our natural earth and its remaining untouched landscapes. this force is a part of me that i was born into, and was "learned" to me by my atypical group of breeders and childcare providers.
anyways...sarah and i are both lean a little to the not-so-bright side of the road, but in the eloquent words of kahlil gibran
"If I accept the sunshine
and warmth,
then I must also accept
the thunder and lightning."
follow this link to a video produced by another sarah fan to her song "dogs and thunder".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dohKucQ2hYE
thanks for listening,
xo
t
i was sitting in my "lady friend"'s office (aka my counselor, but my ego has still not accustomed itself to allow me to speak those words - this was noted once, and only once, for clarity purposes), and she asked me what a strong woman was to me. my response led her to believe that i only see heavier or homely women as strong in character and person, as they reject and are not preoccupied with the trends of appearances. this was partially true, however it occurred to me last night that sarah harmer was the ultimate embodiment of a strong woman to me, and there is one aspect of her that makes me feel so connected to this belief; she is not afraid of her dark sides and her moods. she embraces them - herself - and she turns them into music for the masses. she is not afraid to show it, or be heard. she is dark and stormy, but accepts it, and can laugh at it...as though there is nothing that needs to change. and there isn't anything that NEEDS to change. no pressing issue nagging her to be a better person. no childhood-fear and lack of parental-love guilt looming over saying "you're not good enough. change now!". (i guess that's a glimpse into my own head...) she smiles and nods, makes jokes at the lack of hope in her music, and graciously strums away on my hearts strings.
i wholeheartedly agree with sarah and can relate to her that my mind is also "filled with sour grapes". i don't mean it to affect those around me all so much, and it has fueled me to do some fairly substantial living and out-crying. when my moods and air about me are giving and loving and stem from a place of loving for those around me - i do love myself. however, when my aura shifts to what i call "the dark side", it can seem like there is no good in the world, and i have no love for myself, and therefore don't believe that anyone could possibly care for me (apparently this is some sort of self-worth complex that needs to be resolved - hence my "lady friend"). i have learned to do good with this force, and have used it to do good things for the betterment of human kind, and have striven for the preservation of our natural earth and its remaining untouched landscapes. this force is a part of me that i was born into, and was "learned" to me by my atypical group of breeders and childcare providers.
anyways...sarah and i are both lean a little to the not-so-bright side of the road, but in the eloquent words of kahlil gibran
"If I accept the sunshine
and warmth,
then I must also accept
the thunder and lightning."
follow this link to a video produced by another sarah fan to her song "dogs and thunder".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dohKucQ2hYE
thanks for listening,
xo
t
Friday, September 17, 2010
acceptance
well, i've decided to rid myself of tangible items, and forfeit my journal to the open seas of the online world.
mantra of the day: I accept my darker inclinations as a piece of me.
mantra of the day: I accept my darker inclinations as a piece of me.
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- the raider
- a canadian prairie breed, filled with angst and fire and love, trying to make sense of the present and beyond